azakivk

A.v.K has left this place and may never come back. Cheerio LJ.

This will be the last one. I don't think I can take it anymore. It's been years and little has changed. In terms of everything. Some did improve. I can see the improvement. Some thought they improve but they didn't. After 6 long years.. Why don't I see improvements? 6 years.. That's exactly how long I took to get to here. Plus I wasn't consistent. But I still improve. I see and I know I improve throughout the years. A normal human being will. Definitely will improve. To get to where I am, you actually don't need 6 years. About 2 to 3 years, you can reach my level. This shows you don't have the heart and passion for it. And I can't work with this. We need to be around the same level to even be above average. The only thing I see got bigger was the head I guess. The others improved a lot. From the first time we met them, as a group they improve a lot. I can honestly say they can even be better than us. They made some tough decisions to change. Now I think it's time for ours.

I don't mind being the one that can do everything. That is IF I can. But I can't take it if you keep thinking that I can. Yes I'm good but I'm not god. I don't see the point of playing for fun. Yes you can have fun but... anyhow one. 6 years and we're still having fun? Playing for fun can.. But playing it correctly. It's annoying when you say it's really good. But it is nowhere close. The journey before the big thing is crucial.

I can honestly I don't like this kind of musicians. I deserve more than this. I don't deserve to wait for all of your arrival. I don't deserve to pretend everything is going smoothly but actually it's not.

I thought things have changed. That's why I agreed to join back. But no.. nothing much has changed. Though some people pleases me. He showed improvements. I can see his progress. He made me stay cause I thought I could give it another shot. And talking about same level, he is there. Well, he will be eventually that I know.

I need passion in the group. I want discipline as well. I need that special bond between all of us. Maybe you guys feel that there is a bond but I honestly don't. Three of you may have a bond. I don't feel mine with you guys. The other people had to make tough decisions to make things better. The way I see it.. I need to make a tough decision. It will make things better for me and for you all.

I'm leaving you guys as a musician. And until there are clear improvements and until I think I can come back. Then we'll talk about it. I will say no names.

You guys are still my brothers. And I hope you see things the way I see it. Take it this the professional way. We're still the best of friends.

I'm sorry but I have to do this. For myself.

Well, I have to blog about today. Since I woke up, I've never stopped being emotional. The first thing I did when I just woke up is check facebook. I was still freaking groggy and 3/4 in dreamland. Only to find out the king of Pop is dead. Michael Jackson passed away. He was awesome. Something that you guys didn't know.. I used to dance when I was young. Before primary school. That's why my body is pretty flexible. But with all the fats now.. I can't do shit. MJ was my dancing idol. I remembered those times when I would play his LD (the big ass cds) and sing and dance with him. And my favourite song of his is "Heal the World." This song never fails to make me cry. MJ was a big part of my childhood.

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

Next part is a few hours after this morning. I went to watch Transformers to cheer myself up a little. Transformers was awesome. The action and the comedy was really good. The special effects are freaking awesome. Loved every bit of it. But the show got draggy. I wanna warn everyone! The show is a little unsuitable for kids. There are erotic scenes. Tons of scene with hot women I mean come on... MEGAN FOX IS IN THERE. She was smoking. With words like scrotum and asshole and bitch. It's freaking funny to me but not to KIDS. I laughed quite loud when they said scrotum in the show but no one else laughed like wtf? Guess I was the only dirty minded legal person in there. PARENTS I'M DISAPPOINTED! And the F word kept coming out as well. Well, not really but they did say "MotherF." and "The F word" in the show. But yeah the show is really emotional at times. Mikaela and Sam was awesome.. They're so sweet at times. So.. the movie didn't help..

Next part.. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I really got damn emotional. I watched the last episode of Friends. It was really really sad. I mean.. the last few episodes are really sad. Damn.. I really really wish I didn't watch the last episode. Dammit. It was sweet. It was depressing. It was "aww.." and it was "God I wish something like this happens to me someday." I really regret watching the last episode. I hate endings... WHY ARE THINGS ENDING!

Seriously today has been damn emotional. Let's hope I can cheer up a bit from tomorrow. I mean.. performing with my beloved Eve.. It will always be awesome.. I hope.

Well, after tomorrow I think I'm gonna post something very serious. It will be hard for me to post it but I think I need to. I can't stay the same anymore.


Whaddya say AvK?

AvK is too sad to crack jokes.

A long walk home with a delicious big cup of Starbucks' ice cold mocha and accompanied by sweet melancholic tunes from Moi Dix Mois. The apathetic boy loved every minute of it. The only thing he had hated was the blazing sun roasting his already brown skin. Good thing his wallet was emptied by the expensive cup of coffee or he would be in the chilling dark cinema watching Ice Age 3. He reached home, delighted by the sight of his parents and his temporary-handicapped brother, instantly made his way into his room to try and do work. But here he is typing this entry. He will triumph over BUMS before the clock strikes midnight twice.. This isn't a promise, it's an oath.

You know how sometimes people tell you stuffs like "I eat potato chips so much that I can't stop eating them." or "I drink so much till I'm addicted to it."

But is it possible that not making a big deal of something so much or too much can cause you to not make a big deal out of everything?

This is totally different from an addiction. This is a total shut down or something. I know all my life I've been "not making a big deal out of things" of things. Particularly serious stuffs. I don't want to be heartless. I don't want to be this emotionless thing. Perhaps I need something to worry about? Perhaps without knowing, I took an emotion holiday cause, I've been pretty emotional for more than a year. Too emotional sometimes.

Yeah let's go with that. I'm taking a break from all this emo shit.

DRAG ME TO HELL. DRAG ME TO THE CINEMA! This is one movie I so want to watch. Not alone. No no...

Cheerionights

Well here are the things that are needed to be done before holidays are over or should I say "Heres three weeks to finish your newly assigned assignments and those which have been given when school starts."

1) REMT Group Assignment.
2) REMT Song.
3) Performance piece.
4) MIDI Compositions.
5) BUMS research and report.
6) BUMS contract analysis.

Number 1 : Finally we're starting to work on it. Ying Hao, Daniel, Chin Chee, Jonathan and me in the same group. Pretty awesome group. We're gonna start doing it this friday. It's kinda easy if all of us turn up and do it together.

Number 2 : Finished writing it. Never wrote a ballad before. Gotta thank my childhood for the inspirations. It's called Amaranth; means an imaginary flower that never fades away. Started recording it. I'm only left with Guitar, Bass, Drums, Vocals. (The important ones.) The first recording session didn't really go well. Took too long to set up and stuffs. Didn't really properly plan what to do. Thing to take note of. I only got 11 hours more to finish the damn song. I hope to finish it by first week of school.

Number 3 : Gotta learn a piece on guitar. Gotta read tao geh! haha. Should be fun.

Number 4 : Well i can choose to ignore both composition 1 and 2 and just hand in what I have. But, not really happy with it. We'll see how. The newest one, gotta write down a melody. Should be whacked.

Number 5 and 6 : WORDS WORDS WORDS! One 2000 essay, one 500 - 1500 words essay. Haha well, this is the toughest I guess. If this is done, then I can enjoy holidays as holidays. But it's really hard considering I'm doing composers. Gahhhh..


Cheerios cheros.

One of the most amazing week in my life has just past. From monday till sunday was just pure awesomeness. I couldn't get myself to post about it so that's why I waited till everything is over. Let me elaborate.

It was my birthday week. And honestly, it was the best birthday week ever. In my whole 18 years of life, I've never had such an awesome birthday. I spent my whole week with everyone that I love. I really mean EVERYONE. They are those who I consider part of me. Without whom I will not be able to be happy.

I wanna thank DMAT. Peixiu, Ken, Ryan, Amelia, Jonathan, Seow Hung, Ding Chao and Chris. You guys made the day friggin' awesome. The day itself. I couldn't make myself blog about it cause it's quite... Haha I have no words for it. Well, it didn't make me emo even for a moment for one whole week. I'm really glad I have you guys as friends. The best. Really. The cake, the gifts. I am really happy for them. I feel like throwing all of the gifts you gave me and just kill you guys and hang your body in my room. Maybe play a few of you like a violin. =P I can't thank you guys enough. Seriously. I love you guys. Thanks for being my strength and sponge (you know to soak up my tears). Without you guys, life will seriously be fucking fucking gloomy. I will treat you guys lunch someday. =)

I wanna thank Anak-anak salamz. You're a different bunch of friends. You guys will never ever make things quiet, sad or gloomy. Soccer time is just really awesome with you guys. Though we don't hang out much but you guys are always in my mind. You make the true malay in me come out. All of you, bros for life.

I wanna thank Charlotte. We don't meet up much. We don't really talk much either but you'll always be someone special for me. Love ya.

I wanna thank my loveliest cousins. You're like my own siblings. Only we came from different fathers and mothers. You guys are the ones who I look for when anything happens. Nothing is kept secret with you guys. And I mean NOTHING. With the hands and the toes yeah you know what I mean. Hehe. Love you guys.

I wanna thank my family for being the best in the world. I can never ask for a better mom, dad or brother. Though a lot of shit happened, we will still be strong together and overcome every fucking damn thing. Can't really say anything. My whole 18 life is thanks to you guys. I really cannot ask for more. They've given me everything and will always be there for me. I will repay you guys. I promise. Thank you for 2 birthday treats. Both at exclusive places. Thanks for wanting to buy a violin and I know you guys will if my awesome friends hadn't bought em first. Love you guys for life.

I wanna thank all of my relatives for being the best in the world. Yes all of you from my grand dad till my little niece. What a bunch of loud and crazy. Thanks for all the presents and money. And the weekend was really really really great. Getting together playing games, eating together, sleeping together. Even the mightiest ants couldn't compete with us. We burnt all of you down stupid ants! We really made the people around us at Pasir Ris freaking pissed because THEY CAN'T EVEN HEAR THEMSELVES. We're the LOUD, SCREECHY and BIG family. When all of us are together, the whole frequency spectrum will be used. Freaking awesome. Love all of you.

All of you make me don't wanna have a girlfriend because, you guys give me a totally different kind of happiness. I don't want the perfect girl to appear just yet because if she is here, my life will change and I won't be able to enjoy this much joy from everyone. But when the time comes, it will happen. I still can't help but feel lonely at times. Life is fair. God is fair.

There's a lot more stuff I wanna say but I'm not in that mood to talk about it. As in, not that i'm emo or sad or anything. It's just... I'm kinda emotionless now. I'm neither happy nor sad. Weird.

One more thing.. I really really really really really really cannot stand red-heads. They freaking make my knees wobble and make me go "Holy crap...... Life is so unfair." Red long hair... with black specs. Unbelievably awesome. Whacked man... And I have 2 close friends who have red hair. And trust me they look GOOOD with it. But nehhhh they don't make my knees wobble. Gahahaha.

Till next time
whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "Cheerio and loves."

It's like an amaranth. Can it be a reality instead?


Thanks for all the wishes so far. Really made my day.

DON'T MAKE ME GO TO THE DARK! KEEP ME IN THE LIGHT PLEASE. Just for today.
I don't want to suddenly snap and voila days' ruined.


And I swear if if i faint or shed even a tear, you guys will pay for it. Like seriously.

I sense something unexpected is gonna happen. But I thank you for doing that. Thanks God. Be with me for today.


Cheerios.

Once your eyes were opened to many things, your heart sunk many times, your emotions froze countless times then I would start to take notice why you would feel down during this time of the year. You're not suppose to actually.

You hope other things will make it better for you because on your own, you're vulnerable. Everything affects everything. The clock is ticking.


People or should I say HUMANS, have the tendency to defend themselves against everything and anything in this Earth. Be it physically or mentally. They will stand up for themselves. Being strong and impenetrable to God knows what. They seem to have this invisible shield to repel anything that would hurt them. But not all humans are like that. Well, humans being humans they're different from one another. They have different ways to protect themselves. One example is.. creating an imaginary something to be with them wherever they go. It's not real but it's good to know that it's there.

(This was done on 7th of June 2am)

Timidity

I took this quiz in facebook. It really bums me out. I don't know whether or not to be impress or disappointed because it freaking got it right. Here's what it says:
"You seem to be always ready for anything. but you are just tough outside and weak inside. you are timid. you are actually afraid of troubles and problems, yet you seem like nothing can break you down. people look up to you and scare of you sometime of your aggressiveness. but you know you are not what they thought you are."

Chao chee beng. It's true. I agree 100%. I'm just afraid of anything real. I've always said this phrase "I'm all fake outside, in fact I'm freaking soft." Both physically and yeah.. This strong mask I have on has repelled tons of stuffs. My soft interior will just gentle flow away if my egg-shell is shattered. I guess it's time to let this crap out.

A reply to a friend. If you receive nothing back when you give out 100% love, then that someone is just fucking selfish and doesn't deserve a speck of your love to begin with. These people just need to feel what it feels like being in your shoes. They need to feel that emptiness they caused people to fear so much. Yup.

I can't seem to put any rage or angst into words.

Cheerios...

Why can't I see her face in my dream? She made me so excited to meet her but we just can't meet. I know she is anxious to meet me. And I to her. I searched the whole airport for her but just can't seem to meet. She made me so happy and so alive. Even if it's a dream I really appreciate it a lot. She was the most perfect girl ever.

But I can't expect to have the same dream tonight.

I never expect it. I don't wanna put the dreams into words. It's just too creepy and scary. Just that this sentence keep playing in my head, "It looks like we're gonna have a full uprising." It's really fucking scary. I woke up panting and staring at the sky. I wanna sleep with my parents. It's 3 am now and I can't get back to sleep. I hope HIMYM can make me sleep peacefully again. I think I'm gonna sound really stupid if I were to tell the dream to anyone. But.. it's really scary when you're in it. Please don't haunt my nights. I really want and need the sleep after tomorrow.

Fuck I really am fucking scared to close my eyes. I keep seeing them... Every time I stare into a wall, I'll picture them. Damn it...

What's under this mask?

It's like an exstacy pill that can only make you feel like you're king of the world for a few moments?

Cheerios.

I can't seem to put my mind into words or text.

Never before have I wished to be alone. I don't want to do anything. I just wanna lie down on my bed listening to music and let my mind drift away. Let my mind go to it's own paradise. Why do dark times bring back dark memories? Issues like trust, friendship, love are rocking dangerously at the edge of a steep slope.

I'm beginning to start hating looking at some people's faces. I can honestly say, there is only a handful of people whom I can trust 100%. I gotta look out for my own ass. To these people, You will always have my trust if you don't give me reasons to doubt it. I hope I don't go looking for one also.

I really want to be left alone for now. Things keep piling up non stop. And most people aren't helping to make them lighter.

I hope those people around me who are facing bad and dark times themselves to stay strong. We'll pull through soon. God has a plan. I really do hope God is with me. He will always be there for me. But why can't I open my eyes? I need to know that He is there. Always embracing me. Until that happens, I need to start treating Him as my God. Not something which I look for when all lights fade away.

I don't want tomorrow to come. Tomorrow will just be another gloomy day. I want it to pass real quick, share a few laughs with DMAT, zen with Han Zemmer, go straight home and do DVPT or REMT.

Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "Hold your heads up high no matter what."

In a perfect world
One we've never known
We would never need to face the world alone

They can have the world
We'll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But somewhere in my secret heart

I know
Love will find a way
Anywhere I go
I'm home
If you are there beside me

Like dark turning into day
Somehow we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies

There's a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you

They'd know
Love will find a way
Anywhere we go
We're home
If we are there together

Like dark turning into day
Somehow we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I know love will find a way

Why am I one of those unlucky ones? Not a day that goes by had I stopped wishing for it to find it's way for me. Just today I bumped into 2 old friend. It found it's way for them. One for 2 years, one just recently. A mixture of envy and jealousy. Bumped into Akram and Maryam also. Been so long since I'd seen him.

Watched Angels and Demons on my own today. It was really awesome. Why the hell are people sleeping during the show? And to the uncle who sat behind me, although I know the whole story, I would appreciate it if you don't go and say who the real mastermind was. I tried so hard to not recall the ending but thanks to you, the ending was not as awesome. The soundtrack is awesome by the way.

I spent the whole day listening to OSTs. From Lord of the Rings to The Lion King. I tried doing REMT. Manage to get some arranging done but I still don't have confidence that it will work out.


Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "Symphony of Cries and Wailing."

Wow. It sucks when you've been expecting something so awesome but in the end you just can't have it or be part of it. Gahhh... I won't be playing with Split for the Temasek Junior College gig next saturday cause I'll be going Malaysia for my cousin's wedding.
Wow. It sucks when you need to find ways to gather bucks.
Wow. It sucks to only have tonight to do my music theory research and maybe slides because there won't be time tomorrow and sunday gotta compile it already.
Wow. It sucks to have a spoiled guitar jack when you need and want to play guitar for a gig that I might not play in.
Wow. It sucks to be with some things which I'm starting to hate being involved in.


Harreh Pootah is coool by the way.

Sometimes people don't realize that they're doing things which they aren't capable of doing. They tried hard but in the end, it's something that is beyond themselves. There will always be a limit. You can push this limit further up by practicing and improving yourself. How in the world do you wish to get better and stay there if you stayed down there doing nothing and expecting the best? Maybe there is someone among you that might be capable. But you can't bloody expect him to do almost all the work. Sometimes he'd love helping out but if you keep asking him to help you, ain't that just pathetic? He taught you how to solve it. He taught you how to improve on learning it. But why don't you improve OR learn it? He'd love to do everything so that he can get the credit but he don't like basking in the limelight. He would rather it to be a collective effort. He don't mind going down to such a low level to get a team effort. He needs to go to such a level so that he could brush up on his basics.

He doesn't mind people bossing him around but he has limits. He just don't show it. Why can't he? Cause he is scared things won't be the same and then things will go horribly worse. He had pushed all the anger and resentments down since day one. He hates them to have things only their own ways OR to have things decided by others. And also, when he tried to solve things reasonably, unwillingness and reluctance build in in their hearts.

He is kinda disappointed at one of them. One of them promised to work hard to go to the same route with him. But he didn't. He slacks. He rather not work hard but have fun OR turn his back on things. He doesn't know what else to do.

If it's not because they're real good friends. He might have just turn his backs on them. Don't make him do that.


Ms Tan Tin Hee gave a very nice speech or you could say, she talked to us about her life. She really inspires me to work hard. I really don't want her to go. Like seriously, she's like the best teacher around. So comfortable to be in her class. And we can learn so much from her. No offence to the other lecturers.


Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "I promise, nay, I oath to work my ass off."</center?

There will be times when you wish you were the only person in the world. There will be times when you wish you don't have to be pushed around by others. You need to demand for yourself. You need to stand for yourself. There will be times when you want to be left alone.

But why? Usually it's because you are alone. You're alone because there isn't anyone there to make a presence of themselves. You're alone because no one could stay to keep you company. You're so alone that you began making it part of you. You'll get used to be alone. Till it's hard to be in a crowd anymore. You just want to creep into a little corner and do your own stuff.

Are there people that are willing to be there for us? For me? There are only a few people that will but maybe they're just not among me?

When I start to get used to being alone, I'll get annoyed by anyone's presence. Then the day is gone for me. I would rather be alone throughout the day.

Perhaps tomorrow I just want to be alone or maybe with one or two people whom I trust. I foresee a pretty grumpy Zaki tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish I could stay grumpy throughout my life. I salute people who could be angry and just glare at someone or fend off people. Why can't I be that strong?

Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "I guess it's time. Cheerio bitches."

Hari Raya taken a year ago. My Family.

I would like to introduce someone really special in my life.

MY MUMMY!

I shouldn't say much about the damn obvious bit, the part where she gave birth to me and taking care of me till now and hopefully forever. My mum has a special ability.
Let me illustrate:

My house is usually very quiet. Even with one or two people at home, the house will be like the streets at 3am. In addition to that, my housing estate is very quiet indeed. You can even hear a butterfly landing on a piece of grass.

I usually love being alone in the house. I will stay in the room from dawn till dusk. I really like not being disturbed.

The guys in the family; my brother, dad and me, won't really talk to each other much. Because, my "love being alone and lonely" genes was from my dad i presume. So that explains it.

However, a wonderwoman will change all of the deadness in the air. When my mum is home, the house is never quiet. Be it nagging at us or just.. having a normal conversation. She has this loud, ear piercing voice which is a dreadful experience to have her nagging at you or maybe just playing with you. Her "Huh?" can be heard by the neighbours 2-3 floors up (okay I might be exaggerating it but, it's not wrong to assume.) She is LOUD then again, my whole maternal side is like that. Their voices lie in the 2khz and above. They don't have low pass filters in their parametric eq systems. For tons of people in the world, I don't think you wanna be in the same house with my mother OR my family.

But to me, it's music to my ears. Though sometimes when she nags, I kinda wish she would stop because its screeching not screaming. But that's what she does. Brings life to the household and family. She makes us talk to one another. Makes us wake up (oh yes, it's hard to keep falling asleep with my mum screaming in the morning. That's why I'm always early.) That's her special power. To be a mum not only to me, but to my dad and brother and cousins and friends. She not only had given me life literally, she brings life out of me too.

This is just an excuse to love you Mum. =D I will always will.

Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "Zaki loves his family."

If I can get a wish, I will wish for all the people around me to have the best because they're the best. The ones that aren't the best to me, no offense.

A bro stopped me from doing a really bad thing.
A group of people made me feel happy when I'm down.
A friend that suffered before, gains happiness eventually.

Manage to catch up with an old friend today. It was good to see her again. Shes doing well. Happy for that since those stuffs happened. Kinda surprising to find out some stuffs but it was DAMN COOL! Take care old friend and hope to talk to you even more soon.

Met with another old friend on the way home. Used to work with her in pizza hut. Glad shes doing fine also.

Happy Birthday to my Brudder Peixiu. 18 le sia.

Gotta say cheers to JL for holding me back. If not, things would be different. Thanks bro.

Thanks to DMAT for bringing the day into a fantastic end.

I hope a certain fellow can see the light soon and please decide whats next for you soon. I care for you bro. Please do something soon.

Whaddya say AvK?

AvK says "Night humans."